Category: General Parenting

1. What I wish I'd known first time around

   Posted on 6:00am Friday 1st Nov 2019

   

   If I could turn back time and talk to my pre-baby self, what would I want to tell her?

   

   I almost obsessed with birth during my first baby. Reading about childbirth, talking about birthplans, practising breathing for labour and worrying if I would cope with the pain. I almost forgot I would actually have a tiny human to raise at the end of it.  By the time I was home from the hospital the actual birth seemed a world away. While nothing really prepares you for actually becoming a mother, it was then that I realised how little I knew about looking after a baby. In reality with childbirth you have very limited control over when or how baby will arrive so I wish I had spent just a tad more time thinking about parenting rather than birthing. 

   

   You will sleep for more than three consecutive  hours again. 
   You will get back to a routine where day and night are different. 
   You will function as a normal adult human again. 
   You will reclaim some much craved adult time. You will feel like you again. 
   You will wear clothes that arnt marked with baby milk/baby poo/your own lunch. 

   This phase you're in right now is tough, but it will get easier.

   

   For me, the newborn please was really hard, but the bigger they get the more you will get back from them. Don't get me wrong parenting is still the most thankless role you will ever have  undertake but when those first few smiles and giggles start to come it really does make it all worthwhile. 

    

   

   Endless googling of 'When do babies sleep through the night' will not make your baby sleep through the night any quicker. In fact, reading stories about babies who slept through the night from 3 weeks/3 months old only serves to make you feel worse when your baby is nowhere near to doing so. Every baby is different but they will eventually start sleeping a little longer between night feeds and even this will make a huge difference and then eventually they will sleep through the night. 

   

   For me, from the moment that I became pregnant, part of me was already a parent.  I felt my baby move inside me and formed a magical bond that existed between us even before they were born.  In contrast my husband said he only became a parent when our first was born and that bond between parent and child can take much longer to develop for them.  In the early days I was baby's only source of food and much of their comfort which often made it harder for him to find a way to be useful. Dads are often back to work for long hours and as baby routines can change from one day to the next dads can feel like they're always playing catchup. It doesn't mean that they don't want to be as involved, just that they're finding their feet with their role as parents too and sometimes this can take a little longer. 

   

   At times this can be incredibly overwhelming and frustating.  Some of it's good, some of it's bad and some if it's downright ridiculous.  Everyone seems to have an opinion on how babies should eat/sleep/be held/entertained.  If it's not advice that's right for you then you don't have to follow it, but every now and then someone will pass on a golden nugget of information that's totally magic for your child and you would be lost without. 

   

   Parenting can be really lonely in the beginning.  So get out there to your local baby group and meet some other mums. You might not like the first one you go to but persevere with different ones. You will be opened up to a whole new social circle of other parents going through the exact same things as you and that can be a lifeline for you in this new stage of your life.

   

   ...and not one where you're you know what time it is from what daytime TV your watching.  
   Perhaps not everyone needs this but it really helped me. I went straight from work to having a baby with no maternity time wind down. I found it really hard to adjust to the change of pace from the hectic jam packed schedule of a workday to the completely different pace of this 24h job of parenting where at times I felt like I was living some crazy groundhog day.  Don't get me wrong I still watched a lot of boxsets in the newborn days but getting my own routine being showered and dresses (even in the early days if I wasn't going to leave the house) helped me start to feel human again. 

   

   Easier said than done if you've had a winter baby but a bit of fresh air really does make you feel so much better, and it doesn't have to be for long. Plus a gentle walk is great for healing post birth. 
   
   

2. Why being a Mum doesn't need to define you!

   Posted on 6:00am Saturday 1st Jun 2019

   I get so many comments usually from the older generations such as my grandparents and their friends about my life, I think they forget it is mine to live and I understand they may mean well however I wish they would understand it is my life. Now I have 4 children with a range of ages as that is just how life happened so I have a 10, 8, 6 and 20 month old. They are fabulous kids and I love them to bits however being a mum is not the only thing I am. I am also a wife and I make time for my husband, we have monthly, sometimes even fortnight dates if we can get babysitters and we have something to do or go see. It doesn't have to be a long date or anything brilliant just a game of bowling or a cinema show where we just go out as a couple with no kids and we chat to each other, we kiss, hold hands and just enjoy each others company. Now we have been married nearly 2 years so probably in the honeymoon stage still but I love that we make time for each other and the reason we do is just that when the children grow older and then leave home, what if you don't like the person you have spent the last 18 years living with? What if you have nothing in common or don't really talk to know each other. Even if you can't go out because you don't have a babysitter just put the kids to bed or in different rooms and enjoy just a meal together or have a nice massage with each other, play a board game or just have a drink and a dance in the living room but spend the time on your relationship. 

    

   Work - My grandma hates me working for some reason. She loves and is so proud that I completed University while having 4 kids at home but then when I am in employment she feels I should be at home with the children, like I should feel guilty for being a working mum and I do see this from both sides however I work part time so my older kids know which days I am home. I am around to take them to their classes, I try and move my shifts and days to accommodate when they are on Celebration chairs or when they have plays at school so I can get involved however they know there will be times I cannot attend these things and having a good chat with the kids about work is helpful, explaining to them it doesn't mean you don't love them but you go to work because you need the money to provide opportunities, to pay for extra classes, their hobbies, their birthday parties or even just for rent or a mortgage. I work because I enjoy it, because it gives me a break from the kids and because I have worked hard to learn things that I want to put to good use, I don't have time for an 18 year career break and why should I have to when I can work part time and still be at home some days to get the cleaning done and catch up on the mountains of washing we go through as a family of 6. I won't feel guilty for trying to provide a better live and nicer holidays for my kids and my truth is explaining to them more about money so they understand how work and money goes hand in hand so they are more knowledgeable when they grow up and so they understand more about why I am not their sometimes. I grew up where my dad worked 60-70 hours a week, we had great Christmas and Birthday presents but we hardly ever saw my dad. Him and my mum just did things separately on weekends and they divorced when I was 11 so this is why I like my husband to do his 40 hours and then we are hope to be as a family getting this quality time together. 

    

   

    

   Friends - I feel like I have never really had a lot of friends, I have had acquaintances and don't get me wrong I have tried to make friends but I find it quite an effort sometimes so the people I have as friends are usually just those I can be myself around and even though I don't have many of them - Probably 3 good friends if I am honest and we don't see each other all that much I know that when we get together we can say and do anything and we will just get each other, everything is easy from choosing where to go, what activity to do and we all just get on with it and have a laugh doing it so essentially we arrange meet ups probably twice a year or more if there are some local strippers on as that is guaranteed to get other acquaintances out as sometimes it is really difficult to get mummy friends out - They almost hibernate all year round and may come out once in the summer, which is fine but I need my friend time sometimes, time to get drunk, dance, party and just have a laugh and a moan about the men in our lives, or the kid dramas we have. 

    

   

    

   Hobbies - Now I have never been one for too many hobbies. My parents never really pushed me to try any clubs or activities. I was good at Netball and always picked first because I was tall. I did swimming classes and got my lifesaver award but that was as far as I wanted to take it. I was a good academic child, I learnt and had a passion for reading and wanting to better myself. I enjoyed learning and finance and business and as I grew older I had an interest in property. My hobbies when I was a teen involved a lot of karaoke and drinking and relaxing with friends shopping and attending the cinema. When I became a mum I didn't have time for hobbies, I tried a local line dancing class and then a Zumba class, I tried the gym, cycling, home exercise, a dance class and even kick boxing and circuit classes but none I ever stuck to. I just don't have the motivation for those sorts of things. Which is why I am glad I re-found Netball quite recently. I haven't played for around 14 years however it was great to be put in a team and now if I don't go I will feel like I am letting my team down, we play weekly matches every week and we have noticed we are getting a lot stronger. I think I have finally found the hobby for me. 

    

   So you see a Mum isn't the only thing I am, and I don't want to feel guilty for having other interests and letting my hair down once in a while because I am still Gemma, a wife, a daughter, a netball league team player, an employee and also a girlfriend to my friends - And as much as I love my children the fact I have other interests is great as well as they see me supporting them financially, they gain a good work ethic and hopefully interests in sports will inspire the to stick to their hobbies and develop those. 

    

   Written by Gem at  www.yorkshiremumof4.com

    

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3. Sleeping soundly at night because i have worthless nipples!

   Posted on 6:00am Saturday 1st Dec 2018

   

   This meme that Clare sent me on Facebook made me laugh so hard, for a few reasons.

   Firstly, because im actually 7 years old and i laugh at very simple things, and secondly because its so true. 

   I find that at this moment in my life with Sofia (Our 2 week old baby girl) im quite lucky, and why you may ask? well the answer is simple, boobs! Clare is breastfeeding Sofia so this means that i dont have to get up during the night and do the dreaded bottle feeding! 

   its not to say that i havent been up once or twice with a bottle of breastmilk, but Sofia just refuses to take the bottle full stop.

   Memes and more sleep aside, this made me sit down and think about breastfeeding in a little more depth. 

   We have flirted with breastfeeding our two boys before but them simply refused and preferred the formula, but this led to reflux, baby vomit, and trapped wind and so on, things that were just awful, and especially when its your first child, can be stressful.

   But this time, its different, its more relaxed, theres no vomit, theres no reflux, theres no standing in the kitchen making bottles at 3am and coating my arm with milk to make sure the temperature is right! 

   Sofia is calm, she lets out one or two small cries to indicate she is hungry, she feeds until she is full and content. She is getting more nutrients than she could ever possibly get from formula AND ITS NATURAL!

   Clare and I talked about breastfeeding all during this pregnancy and i fully support it, but initially, i was feeling weird, its almost like a stigma than some men have! but being fully on board with it, i do envy how close Clare and Sofia have become because of this, an important thing in the early weeks of both of their lives!

   But here in the UK there seems to be an issue surrounding public breastfeeding, and even social experiments have been carried out to highlight the issue! I even seen a facebook video where a lady feeding her baby was subjected to verbal abuse from two men, and another fella stood up for her and physically man handled the two abusers from the train at the next stop, unfortunately they got the guy arrested for assault i believe, but this was subsequently quashed in court.

   In an instance God forbid this happened to Clare i would certainly stand up for her, and if i wasnt there i would certainly hope someone else would step up.

   and ive taken some benefits from the NHS website which i have the link for you to look at:

   https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/benefits-breastfeeding/

   So guys, if your partner is or wants to breastfeed, be supportive, be strong and help her! if she wants to change to formula, be assertive that she is doing a wonderful job, and encourage her to continue without being forceful! 

   Breast is Best!

   

   Read more from Jamsey at:

   Www.jamesyni.com

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4. My fears for having 2 under 2

   Posted on 6:00am Monday 1st Oct 2018

   I’ve never really opened up about my fears for having 2 children under 2, mainly because no one has asked how I feel about becoming a mum of 2 under 2 and another reason is because I’m the sort of person who keeps things locked away until it fizzles me down and someone eventually asks me, “what’s up” but even then I make the issue as vague as possible to avoid the inevitable pity.

   I’m not sure whether it’s all these extra hormones that are making me fear the birth of baby S more; probably is, but I just wanted to share with you how I feel now so that, if there are any other mummies out there, that are expecting their 2^nd baby soon, maybe you can share this post with them so hopefully this can help them and give them a sense of relief knowing they’re not alone when it comes to worrying over the littlest things.

   • Getting out and about with 2 under 2

   This has been a constant fear of mine since I first found out that I was pregnant with my second baby, luckily we have a double pram now thanks to my very generous mum, but what’s worrying me is if I’ll be able to push the tandem pram up the massive hill which we live on, and if I’ll be able to manage to get on and off public transport, since me nor my partner can drive, I know it’s going to be more of a struggle but we’ll just have to persevere until Logan is old enough to be able to walk around without the pushchair, as he currently still has 1 nap a day.

   • Will my toddler’s sleep regress?

   Another fear I have is L’s sleeping, he currently has a great routine, he sleeps through all of the night pretty much and we don’t hear of him until he wakes up at 6/6.30 am and if we’re lucky 7 am. What’s worrying me is if his sleep messes up when baby S arrives, will he start night waking again if/when hears baby crying etc. It’s going to a lot more difficult for me to see to both kiddies especially when it’s just me getting up as rob will be working most mornings (after paternity leave). Please, can someone reassure me that this isn’t the case and he will still sleep through! >.<

   • Small age gap

   An obvious concern I have, as with any age gap i suppose has its pros and cons, but I’ve heard from a lot of people that having  2 children closer together is more hard work than having 2 children who are older in age, but I guess every family is different and I may find that i love having the closer age gap, i mean it was my plan initially anyway, we’re not getting any younger are we.  L will be about 19 months old when baby S arrives, so I’m hoping that he is a bit more understanding by then, because at the moment he doesn’t understand the current situation with mummies growing belly.

   

   Financial Doubts

   Being a young (ish) couple with a toddler is not that expensive really, as long as he’s fed and has new trainers when he needs them and the other expenses like nappies and wet wipes, it’s quite manageable. But the fears come when I start overthinking the whole situation, can we afford to have another baby? Then I remember, i have kept a lot of L’s baby clothes so that’s saved us a heck of a lot of money in the long run. The only things we really need to purchase for baby S is the larger more expensive items like a breast pump and Moses basket/baby bean bag as i really would like one of them for when baby naps during the day, and it’s quite transportable, so if we go to my mums then he can nap on the bean bag instead of lugging around the tandem pram.

   • Coping with having a toddler and a newborn

   Something else that has been playing on my mind is, how will I cope with having a toddler and a newborn? The fear of Rob going back to work after paternity leave is too much to think about right now, and I’m just praying that we get into some sort of routine before he goes back to work because the first day being a solo mum of 2 is going to hit me like a tonne of bricks i can imagine. What do I do when baby S is crying and L wants me at the same time? Will I be able to do anything for myself, e.g. make a brew, or even eat/cook etc.

   • Will my toddler still love me when newborn arrives

   This has been a fear of mine for a while too, not that I’ve read a horror story on the internet or anything. And I’m sure L will love his new baby brother, right? Or am i being too optimistic? I just hope that L doesn’t start getting jealous, or hitting/smacking me or the baby to vent his frustration that he won’t be the only child anymore. I will try to avoid this by getting L involved with baby S as much as possible and trying to play with L while baby naps, and will be a bonus if i get them both to nap at the same time! #parentingwin

   • Breastfeeding fears

   On top of all the above fears, this has to be the one that i’m worried/anxious about the most, because it’s a completely new concept to me as i bottle fed L, so In that respect it’ll be like im a new mummy all over again, and that’s terrifying! I’m scared that I won’t be producing enough milk or the latch is wrong every time, and end up with mastitis. I fear that Logan will need me at night when i’m feeding baby S, is it ok to send daddy in to see to L if he has work next day? I fear that people will judge me and give me dirty looks if i’m feeding out in public, especially the first time, that’s the worst part for me, not knowing what to expect!

   All in all, after all is said, I am more excited about the arrival of our second baby boy. I’m looking forward to the bond that L and S will share (once L has warmed up to the baby ofcourse). I’m excitied for all our future family adventures, days out and the first smiles and giggles, and more importantly i’m excited to become a family of 4 (5 if you count the cat!) lol

   ---

   I hope you all enjoyed reading this, and if you are expecting another little bundle soon, i’d love to hear your thoughts, do you share any of the same fears? And if you have recently become a family a mummy/daddy of 2 under 2 how are you finding it? What are you’re greatest struggles so far?

5. Parenting is Hard

   Posted on 6:00am Saturday 1st Sep 2018

   Parenting is hard. Really hard. There are up's and down's. We do so much to protect our children, from the moment they are in our belly till our last breath. Unfortunately there are some things that are out of our control. I've read a few stories recently where parents have lost their children. Each time you read a story like that your heart breaks, but then after becoming a parent and reading something like that it hits you. it hits you hard. You can never feel what these parents go through, but you understand. We are parents. Parents who are reading every parents worst fear. I never know what to say if someone tells me about a loss of a child, its such a taboo subject, but it shouldn't be. I sometimes feel it best to listen, listen to them remember and live every memory again. We lost our first baby at 12 weeks pregnant. We were heartbroken, but it's not until you go through something like that, that you realise that it happens to so many women, yet you never hear of it unless you have physically gone through it. I don't get it? I remember a work colleague had lost her baby to cot death at 4 months old, i came back to work following our missed miscarriage and she was the only one that came upto me and say "i can't imagine what you are going through, i am so sorry" i just stared at her, my heart sunk. After what she had been through she was so compassionate, why? because she is a mum. A mum to a beautiful angel.

   We were blessed and went on to have two perfect baby boys. Again, you don't realise how lucky you are to be able to conceive and carry a child naturally. We have friends who are going through their second round of IVF, as they were telling me what they have to go through, a pang of guilt ran through me. Guilt that i have been lucky to fall pregnant with my two boys naturally, that Grayson wasn't planned and he just happened, and i feel like shit when i say that to people, especially people who struggle to fall. I think end up sitting there thinking about how i take it for granted. I feel selfish. I know my friend will probably read this and think I'm a wally, but my heart goes out to them, every single person who has to go through so much for something i sometimes take for granted on a daily basis.

   I'm not sure what the reason for this post is, it's just something that has played on my mind.

   There is so much judgement around parenting. It's so wrong and puts so much pressure and anxiety on mums. Whether you had a natural birth or c-section, whether you bottle feed of breast feed, co-sleep or put baby in their cot, jar feed or make all your dinners from scratch, use organic food or freezer food, rememeber this. You are perfect. You have come into parenthood blind sighted - no one prepares you for what happens once you get your baby home. Your children adore you, you are their queens. As long as you and your children are happy thats all that matters. Screw society, do what's right for you and your baby. Not anyone else.

   Anyone can judge from the outside, but until their living it, their opinion is nothing.

   A x

    

   I am a stay at home mum. I has two boys aged 4 and 2 and a crazy cockapoo. Married to my soul mate. Welcome to our fun parenting life, follow us for all our ups and downs.  Read more from me at:

   www.justamummy.com 

   Instagram: ashleigh_justamummy 

6. Dear New Mum, Your Life is Going to be Beautiful

   Posted on 6:00am Tuesday 1st May 2018

   

   Dear New Mum

   My story is probably very different from yours and you’re probably feeling things right now that I never had to face. You see, River wasn’t diagnosed with Down syndrome until he was 6 months old, it was missed by medical professionals and strangely I often feel very grateful for that. I feel that way because throughout my pregnancy and for the newborn baby period I was just incredibly happy. I wasn’t overloaded with scary medical advice, or told that my baby would have a terrible life, or that it was unfair on the siblings, or that I should have a termination. Nobody told me they were sorry. I suspected River had Down syndrome when he was born, but I was assured by doctors and midwives that he was fine. Even after that I think I still knew deep down, but I clung to the fact that everyone told me otherwise and put it to the back of my mind. Or at least I tried to. Either way, for the first 6 months of River’s life he was just my beautiful newborn baby, without a diagnosis and I fell head over heels in love with him.

   I always wonder whether I’m the right person to be dishing out advice to new parents, whether they learn during pregnancy or at birth. It may sound a bit strange but I often feel a bit left out, a bit on the sidelines because I missed out on such a huge part of having a child with Down syndrome. I never had that life shattering moment of sadness, that moment where you feel like your life will never be happy again. I just didn’t feel it, and the only thing I can put it down to is the fact that I had already gotten to know my son and just knew it was all going to turn out ok. And I guess that because I had suspected and known deep down that River had Down syndrome, that I’d already in some way processed those feelings without them really bubbling to the surface.

   

    

   But I do understand. I do understand the sadness you feel and the fear that you have, because I know I would have felt exactly the same way. I know I would have felt devastation, I know I would have felt angry and I know I would have felt unable to cope or see a happy ending. I know I would have felt lost, not knowing which way to turn and how to make things ok again. I know that I would have felt like a failure, that I’d failed my family and that I had failed my new baby. I even know that I would have felt guilty for feeling everything that I was feeling.

   What I thought I knew couldn’t have been more wrong

   I would have pictured Down syndrome and imagined the outdated and false stereotypical vision that so many of us within society believe. In my mind I would have seen a lonely adult, with no friends, old fashioned clothing, with no understanding and always with their elderly mother. It would have been so wrong and now I can see how views of Down syndrome within society couldn’t be further from the truth, but I’m being honest and that’s how I would have felt. I would have pictured my son as a man without any type of ‘normal’ existence, a man who could never feel true feelings, and a man who would never have anything to offer society or who society would never accept. I would have seen a bleak and grey existence for the life I had wanted to create so much, and I would have wondered if it would be kinder for him to never have existed at all.

   It breaks my heart that I know I would have felt this way, and I know for sure that I never would have pictured River as a man who could lead a fulfilling life. I can now tell you though, that everything I never would have been able to picture for my son, I hand on heart picture it all for him now. With honesty I can tell you that when I think of River’s future I see him with some form of independence, with a circle of friends, with a job, with hobbies, with passions, with ambitions and with love. I envision a school life full of childhood friendships and an ability to learn along with a love of it. I can see a life filled with travel, a life filled with adventure and a life full of substance.

   

   I’m ashamed to say it now, but before I knew what I know now, I never would have thought my son’s life could be meaningful, or anything other than just sad and disappointing. I can tell you without any uncertainty that I never would have been able to imagine the feisty, determined, funny, cheeky, sweet, loving, adventurous, fearless, smart, mischievous, social, amazing and totally gorgeous little boy we have been blessed with. I never would have imagined our River.

   I know you’re feeling a huge sense of loss – I get it

   I may not have the initial diagnosis in common with you, but something I’m sure you are feeling is a sense of loss. I know as I felt this loss myself, and I can only compare it as a sense of mourning for the life that you had pictured in your mind for your child. A sense of mourning the life you thought they were going to have. That life that you had let yourself imagine doesn’t exist anymore and it’s a deep feeling of sadness, it can even be compared to a death. We’ve lost the life that we thought our child would live, it’s just not going to happen and that is hard to bare. We all do it as parents, picture a life of milestones, education, careers, marriage, children, etc. We picture our future grandchildren and the life that society has decided we should all lead. We all have our children’s lives practically mapped out before they are even born and when we feel like it’s been ripped away from us it hurts. It hurts and it takes time for those feelings of loss to heal, it takes time for us to move on from those emotions.

   What I can tell you though is this. You will move on and it is all going to be ok, in fact, it is going to be incredible. The loss you are feeling right now will pass. The sadness, the hurt, the fear and the pain will all pass and you will see a light. You will get to know your baby and you will soon come to realize what a blessing you have been given. You will soon learn that you are one of the lucky few, and that your child is exactly what you never even knew you wanted or needed. You will get to a point where you won’t want to change it even if you could.

   

   It won’t be easy, but the best things never are

   I’m not for one minute saying it’s going to be easy, it won’t be. You will face hurdles and barriers, and you will have days where it all feels too much. You will worry about your child’s future and you will worry about their acceptance within society. You will worry about their health and you may face dark periods where your child faces illness. You may feel frustrations regarding development and you will without a doubt feel a frustration about the struggles of receiving services they are entitled to. But I promise you this, those worries and fears are nothing compared to the sheer joy your child will bring to your life. You will feel an overwhelming sense of pride and admiration, and you will become their biggest supporter. Your child will show you the world through new eyes and you will become a better person, becoming more accepting of others and really seeing a person for who they really are. You will embrace differences and you will want to teach others to do the same, you will want to make a better society for your family. You will become stronger than you ever thought you could be, you will find a voice that you never knew you had and you will fight with every last breath you have to create a better world for your child.  You will not be able to imagine your life any other way, or yourself on any other journey in life. Most of all you will feel lucky, and you will wonder why the hell you ever felt so lost or so sad.

   

   So New Mum, my advice to you is this

   Feel exactly what you need to feel and feel it without guilt. This is a journey for you, and it’s not an easy one. You need to feel these things in order to process them, deal with them and come out the other side. But you will come out the other side, you will get stronger and your life will be beautiful. Your child will shock you, teach you and you will burst with pride every single day. Your life will be filled with love, laughter and adventure and you will adore your child. You will love your child, you will love your life and you will love Down syndrome. You may not believe me right now, but one day you will love Down syndrome. It is part of your child, and it is the part that will show you what life is really about and what is really important. Believe me when I tell you this, one day it will be a part that you wouldn’t want to change in a million years.

   Good luck and Love Always

   From a Mum who is a little further into this wonderful journey.